Soo friends. If you’ve noticed… I’ve been in a, umm… darker than usual place dating-wise lately. Amongst other significant life struggles, my uhhh, accidental “situationship” (because that is unfortunately the best word to describe this rather odd shenanigan that ensued) has run it’s course, and I’m here with all the same symptoms of an actual break-up. So now I’ve been trying to figure out what to do, LOL.
So yes, I am going through it. However I’m not gonna lie y’all, it’s kinda necessary to get your heart broken once or twice. I’m a firm believer that life is rooted in balance, the peaks and the valleys. It truly does take storms to appreciate sunshine, so I accept the validity of my current feelings while absolutely looking forward to better days. For these reasons, I’m actually not mad that it happened. (My hangup is, I just think this instance was an all-around wack situation. Like, my heart should have been broken better than that! I just think I DESERVE more quality heartbreak than this! Shoutout to my last ex for disappointing me properly. I will certainly give him that. LOL)
Anyway, here I am on this journey of self-prescribed therapy and healing. I’m doing it “myself” because #1, I’m extraordinarily broke right now, and #2, I done been down this raggedy path of recovering from raggedy male people before! Trust that I have been thrown out of better relationships than this! So, having significant experience on the subject matter, I would like share some experimental things I’m trying on this journey in case you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Fuckery Exposure Syndrome.
Closure is something you give yourself.
Ahh “Closure”, that abstract concept people rush to claim they’re seeking after a romantic situation comes to an end. I remember the last time I got “closure”. Me and this bumboclaat fool I had been dealing with wound up sitting face-to-face at a “neutral location”—we lived a ways apart so I asked him to meet me halfway. So, as we sat in that coffee shop that was 10min away from me and 50min away from him, I asked him all of the questions that had been clouding my mind since whatever had happened, happened. And he answered them. But guess what, still nothing made sense because… HE did not make sense!! But in all seriousness, nothing he said to me that day could have improved the situation, because he already took the course of action of his choice, leaving me to make sense of things on my own.
To grant yourself the gift of closure, first understand that you have to close this door. There is no good reason to keep it open in any way — commit to actually working to get past this situation. And allow yourself to grieve. Wallow in your feelings for a while, and then stand in them. This is a loss — of friendship, and of intimacy— that warrants grief, and you are allowed to experience that process. The truth is that you’ll experience these stages sooner or later, whether you choose to face them head-on or not. Do it now and get it over with. It’ll all be over soon, I promise you! (Or so I’ve been told… lol)
The best way to get over someone is to…
Probably the most popular way amateurs try to recover from failed relationships is to gather up their soiled, damaged belongings and go dump it in someone else’s yard. This is a MISTAKE. While I’ve mostly had enough sense to not do this, I’ve found myself rebounding after believing enough time had passed for me to be ready for something else. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all, however — inner healing work absolutely does.
For me, my worst experience with this has been being the one a heartbroken person dumped their burdens on. This last situation was absolutely an example of that. They say the red flags in the beginning are ultimately what will take you down in the end, and he was 1000% a person who was going from woman to woman, unhealed for years. That’s so dangerous. Please just take time to heal first. At least try!
Some also opt for a good Hoe Phase. If so, please just do you responsibly. Understand – hoeing is a skill that takes significant mental fortitude and resilience that YOU likely DO NOT have. I happen to know this despite not actually having had one of these phases (yet) – I just have a fortitudinous & resilient mentality. LMAO!
Anyway I don’t think I’ll be getting with anyone, in any way, anytime soon. And honey, the way I feel on today?? I kinda don’t wanna see another male human until at least 2020. But honestly the summer is coming and I’d be remiss to not hit these streets in some capacity! However if you are opting to be #outchea, as a Healthcare Professional I must remind you that Venereal Disease and accidental offspring are real things. If you do decide to Hoe, consider Heauxing instead – it’s much classier.
Pursuing sexual/intimate liberation in ways that don’t involve any partner at all may actually the most interesting (and safe! Emotionally and physically) – consider getting a toy, taking an actual sex class, attend an exhibition on sexuality and wellness, etc. Any of these can be done solo, with friends, or with a date, and there are so many pros! These are amazing ways to establish healthy conversations. And there are levelsss to this stuff right? Consider becoming a Sexpert so your next relationship can be that much more poppin’! You can explore ideas and things you may be curious about without putting yourself in uncomfortable or unfulfilling situations. And, being empowered and enlightened is sexyyy asf!
What ever you do, pleaseee try not to date anyone, anyhow, at anytime until it’s coming from a place of genuine self-regard and regard for the other person, vs. filling a void. So be safe and have fun and tell me your #HeauxTales, cuz you know I lovveee a good story. LOL
…get back to Love.
Something I’ve been trying to do for sometime – but even more intensely now – is work to define Love for myself. 1 Corinthians 13 has already told us everything Love is in the purest sense. But what does that look like in practice, in 2018, in the Big City? Probably, exactly as the Lord already told you it looks in those very verses, *wink wink*.
In my desire to better practice Love, God is truly the only one who can guide that journey. And so, I found some ministries which have been incredible resources so far in this specifically. I’d love to shoutout my absolute FAVE, the “Relationship Goals” 8-Part series, led by Transformation Church’s Pastor Mike Todd. I can’t stop raving about this! I recommend it to absolutely everyone, single and happy, married for 20 years, or somewhere in between.
Always remember, God Is Love. So spend time with Him, dwell in His presence, and become a sponge of love – soak it in and squeeze it out on everyone in your life.
Block Him, Sis!
Friend, it may be time to block that person, literally, and figuratively. You are done, and you are free to release your physical, mental, and digital energy and place it elsewhere. A few months ago, I realized I got blocked by some guy, and it was SO baffling! I had never discovered I had been blocked before, and while discussing with my groupchat girlfriends, we came to the decision that blocking someone is a Very Extreme Emotion. To this day I don’t know what I did to that man to make him feel this extreme towards me, but I do know that in a break-up, you are definitely justified in going to these extremes if you choose to.
I also feel like sometimes people tend to put on “performances” with their social media post-breakups, to “prove” to themselves and the other person that you’re “okay” and “thriving” after things end. Post what and how you want, but make sure it’s not because of that other person. If you are feeling the urge to post a subliminal Instagram story, or go out of your way flex extra hard on vacation, or flaunt a new boo because this person may be somewhere watching you… please please please block them. There is a fine line between a post-break Glow Up and noticeably pathetic petty posts, and I just want you to always be on the right side of it. Now go and live your best life!!
(Possibly) Become a Millionaire.
One major con about being a relationship is that they take up a LOT of time. One major pro about being newly single is that you really need distractions. In reflecting about the time I’ve spent worrying about Menfolk, I realized the things I put to the side, such as learning French + improving my Spanish, building business plans, reading more books, taking classes, writing on this blahggg, etc. And, I’m sad that I didn’t do these things instead, because dating someone or not, I could have chosen myself. Looking back, my lesson here has been have greater discernment about whether I’m actually building with someone or not. For now though, I’m excited to see what I can come up with by myself.
If nothing else motivates you, think about how salty your ex will be if you become a millionaire. So get to work!
Create your Happy.
Cultivate some wellness
In the same spirit of cultivating my time productively, I’m also trying to impact my general wellness too. I want my spaces, places, activities to be beautiful and engaging, so much so that it feels like I’m overcompensating for something. Because… I am, in ways. I’m dedicated to be as extra as my meager coins will allow me to for the sake of being there for myself. I already do this often and it works well. Time to take it up a notch! Here are some of my favorite things I’m discovering:
- Yoga has always been a lifesaver for me. The spiritual, emotional, and physical effects for me are something I want to lean deeper into. And I’ve been doing yoga everywhere! From Brooklyn based HealHaus, a Black-owned business that I adore, to sunrise yoga on the roof of The James Hotel in SoHo, it’s been a great way to meet some dope, wellness-focused people and groups as well.
- Consuming positive messages via podcasts, blogs, and articles. One organization that I’d be remiss not to shoutout is Black Girl in Om, a beautiful platform for Black women who are expanding into themselves. If you are not a Black Girl, still check them out! You will be moved in some way, I guarantee that.
- Museums & exhibits are becoming a great way to reframe my perspective on things. In the times I’m feeling down and defeated, its been fun to get cute and go seek out visual stimulation and conversation about something completely separate from my circumstances. Also, I’m a member of MoMA so I pop in there to work during the week when I can. The change of scenery is really enjoyable also.
I’ll probably update this list as I go, but I’m enjoying leaning into expanding my definition of self-care, water-drinking, and minding my business. If this list brings some practices you’ve tried to mind, please share in the comments!
Curate some positive images
One thing that I’m loving so far is some of the images/content I’m purposefully including in my timelines and streaming queues. I didn’t feel I was seeing enough couples who shared inspiring aspects of their journey together (as I imagine that’s very difficult), so I discovered my faves on IG, Khadeen + Devale and their dope kids! That lead me to binge-watch Black Love Doc, which was absolutely amazing in the way it explores real relationships in a raw, comprehensive way. The #BlackDadsMatter hashtag on Instagram was one method I stumbled upon to see positive images of men. Guys are definitely at their best when they are Dadding and it’s always super cute. Ideally they are also modeling love for the kid’s mom here and there, lol.
Create some meaningful relationships
I’m being extra intentional about my relationships with men also, and cultivating more meaningful platonic friendships with men has felt really good. Whether it’s being more present with my existing relationships or building up new ones, this has been off to a good start. It’s been refreshing! The main goal is to actively counteract that “Men are Trash” feeling that seeps in when you’ve been done wrong. I’ve been purposefully engaging with male friends, family members, colleagues, etc. in ways that spark honest dialogue/feedback/insight about Mars vs. Venus, the male perspective vs. the female one. I feel like we always walk away realizing we’re more alike than we are different, and that always feels like positive growth in itself.
What about your friends?
Wheeww! Where would I be without my bae’s?! Shoutout to my BFFs for always taking care of me. I’m especially thankful for my #RatchetBFF who encouraged me to #RobHim (which would have been so easy, deserved, and HILARIOUS! But the way my being a Child of God is set-up I had to take a hard pass on the thievery). I’m glad for the #WifedUpBFF that encouraged rational and mature behavior. I’m thankful for my #GroupchatGirlfriends who constantly come through with wisdom, affirmation, and memes for every situation. Gotta love them all! Having diverse friends to help you through this time is critical! If you don’t have an assortment of friends to help you through, well now you have me, your #CrazyAuntieBFF who has now supplied you with all this real-ass advice. You’re welcome Bestie!
Listen to Beyonce. Or Durand Bernarr. Or this Spotify Playlist:
Bey’s art will always empower you to leave your man, as she desperately wishes she could do except her man is extraordinarily wealthy. However your man was regular, so you should be happy he’s gone. Thus, Lemonade will forever be the undisputed breakup healing album. On a (literally) related note, check out this acoustic cover of “Sorry” by the incredible Durand Bernarr. My absolute favorite song at the moment is one of his originals, #FNF. Omg if you haven’t heard this just go listen to the Soundcloud MP3 right now LOLOL. And sing these out loud at the top of your lungs!! Feel the manifestation power of the lyrics “now you KNOW I love me way more than you/ Cause I’ve been there before/ Reclaiming my time, none left for you/ Can’t go back anymore”. Once you embrace these healing notes of freedom, you cannot go back Sis. Change your ways! In fact, DM me a video of you singing this and just make my day. I love to see a newly liberated baddie in these streets. I also have this evolving Spotify playlist. LOL
In closing, this is your time to feel, regroup, and heal. Take advantage of the season you’re in, and trust that it will be over soon. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for us, chile. If any of these helped you, please let me know in the comments! And let me know what has helped you get through these kinda times. Also! Though this entry started in in the Spring, I’m updating it for the rest of the summer and possibly after – if anything new comes up, I’ll note the date I discovered it <3
Header photo: Torchy Brown, Jackie Ormes's 1930's comic heroine, is “a vibrant, alive girl seeking true love and happiness.” When Torchy isn’t romancing an “earnest, handsome young doctor”, she is helping to expose a chemical plant that has been dumping toxic waste into the local water supply. Wow what a baddie!
Hilarious!!! And oh so real! I love it!